We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
