All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
