i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
