I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
