if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
