I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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