All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
