i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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