i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
