made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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