pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize