go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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