Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
