last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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