woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
