uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
