I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
