just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
