My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
