It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
