the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
