Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
