i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
