ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize