clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
