I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
