My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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