I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
