She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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