There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
