Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
