weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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