Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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