I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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