Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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