Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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