you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
