mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
