I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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