the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
