I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I love you. Go after that dick
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
