Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
