Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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