my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
