I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
