he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
