i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
