My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
