i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
