why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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