i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
