I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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