I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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