Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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