My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My penis needs a shock collar
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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