I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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