Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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