So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
